December 6, 12:32 PM
It is with a heavy heart that I find myself resigning from another job. A position I have been in before, but after leaving 3 jobs in just under 4 years, this one stings a bit. I have been questioning myself a lot lately. Questioning whether I’m making the right decision, whether I’m ever going to find an area in which I’ll succeed, and questioning any career success I’ve felt up until this point.
Because the thing is, up until this point, I honestly thought I was doing pretty well. During a 30 minute conversation with my boss this week (which ended in full-on tears), he asked me how I thought my performance had been. I responded that I had been doing great, to which he responded that he was “shocked I thought I was doing well.” That caught me off-guard.
You see, I’m a realist. I will totally own up to my flaws and failures. I don’t deny them and I never ignore them. However, I’ve been keeping up in this role. As a member of a sales team, my metrics were different from the men on the team, but I had been slinging enterprise accounts like no other. So when my boss came at me like this, I was shocked, and honestly, a bit broken.
He told me he had wasted too much time on me. He told me he thought I didn’t want to be there. I was shocked to my core. I’m that person who ALWAYS has a smile on her face coming into work everyday. I’m friends with the entire office, and I make sure to work just as hard as I play. This whole conversation left me feeling blindsided and worthless.
So I took a minute, stared off into space, and thought about who I am as a person, and who I have been in this job. This job that pays so little that I can barely live. This job that I have loved, because of the people and in spite of my manager. This job that has brought so much knowledge of digital marketing into my life. I really thought I found my place. But ever since I started, my boss has been questioning me. Making assumptions about me. And it hurts, because no matter what I do or how hard I try, he still think I’m not working as hard as the rest of my all-male team. This makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide under a blanket forever. Because once again, I’m being seen as less-than. And let me tell you, it’s not because of my productivity.
So I’m writing this mere hours before I submit my formal resignation. Some may think I’m giving up, but having been in this position before, I know that nothing will change. I know that putting myself through more pain won’t alter the outcome of this situation. And I know that above all else, I need to put myself first. My happiness is my priority. They weren’t lying when they said life is too dang short. I’m engaged to the love of my life. I’m planning an incredible wedding. My family is in good health and wants to travel with me. And I have my amazing HGL family through the world of social media. THAT is what matters to me. HAPPINESS is what matters. My lousy boss at this lousy company just does.not.matter.
I refuse to allow any man to put me down, raise their voice at me, or make me feel less-than. I refuse to give him anymore power. I am removing myself from another unhealthy situation, and I have no doubt in my mind that I will find my happiness.
To the friends I have met along this journey, thank you. Thank you for sticking by me and understanding that I have to ultimately make a tough situation in the end. Here I go, off into the big scary world. But this time, I’m not alone.
December 7, 4:13 PM
I wanted to write an update after submitting my resignation. Although it was possibly one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had with a male superior, I learned a lot about myself throughout the discussion. You see, when I resigned, he was mad. Really really mad. He asked me many questions, and would proceed to cut me off in anger. He hurled insults my way and dismissed me, saying the team would be “better off without me.”
But you see, as a woman in a professional environment, I have learned to hold my tongue and choose my battles, because a woman can’t have the same temper tantrum that a man can. I sat there, arms crossed, and took it. I did this because what I realized is that he could say whatever he wanted to me, but at the end of the day, he would NEVER be able to control my happiness. I would get through those 15 minutes. I would get through it, and come out on the other side a better woman than before.
When I left that room, I felt a sense of peace. My shoulders dropped, my stomach un-knotted itself, and I could suddenly eat real food again (which I hadn’t done in days due to nerves). I had dealt with this child-like manager, and lived to tell the tale. I was still engaged. I still had amazing friends. And I still loved my life. I let his words bounce off of me, and I decided then and there that he would not determine my worth, my happiness, or my future. I felt secure in my decision, and that was that.
So here I am. A bigger person than he will ever be. These lessons were tough ones, and they took a lifetime to learn, but I finally understood what my dad told me all those years, “No one can control your happiness but you.” I never really understood this. I found that people would totally affect my mood based on my expectations of them. I expected that if I was kind and cordial, that I would receive that in return. But friends, that sadly is not always the case. And in those situations, it’s often better to remove yourself from the situation and continue to seek happiness. Nobody can control your own happiness. Nobody. And in the end, it’s really going to hurt those people who try, when they watch you walk away completely unfazed.
So I am continuing my journey to ultimate happiness. My happiness initiative. I plan to surround myself with love, friendship, and kindness, and to avoid situations like this one. I handled this as well as any 25 year old woman in sales could have, and I’m proud of myself. I’m excited to see what the new year will bring and where I will find myself! The world is my oyster and I am SO ready.